Why Are Women After Men's Food?

Photo by Valerie Elash on Unsplash

My Girlfriend Stole My Food, But I'm a Gracious Man

A few days ago, I swung by my girlfriend’s place for a squishy call (personal slang; the romantic, committed version of a booty call).

I was a bit peckish, but sexy time on a full stomach is not that fun. (Unless it’s a wicked strategy on the man’s side: pre-stuffing before the actual stuffing; na mean?) So I always make sure to stuff my face after cute time.

A man has to eat.

Sometimes, I ransack her fridge. Other times, I pass by a fast food establishment and get myself a few things to eat at her place. (I rarely order food.)

And this time, I craved some shawarma.

Me: Hey, baby, I’m gonna make a small detour as I’m craving some Chubbies (the name of the shawarma place). Do you want me to get you something?

Her: Nah, I’m fine. I was just about to pop in the shower.

Me: Okay. Love ya!

I ended the phone call and got myself a variety of items: one small beef shawarma, two chicken kebabs with extra garlic sauce and fries, six falafels, two freshly baked pita bread (from a nearby bakery), and a bottle of zero-sugar green tea with mint (from a minimarket) to wash it all down.

The kebabs were not ready yet, so I took my sweet time. I went and bought the pita bread and the green tea first, then picked up my order. You could say I built myself the perfect aftercare pack for the actual Netflix & Chill that would take place later that evening.

By the time I reached my girlfriend’s place, she was already bathed and, dare I say, taunting me for a scuffle. So I did what every weak man does: I blamed everything on the woman but gorged myself plenty. Then I ate.

I guess you could say it’s my fault because my girl is different (Oh, boy, isn’t this what every man thinks?), but for the first time since we’ve been together, she dared to lay claim to my food.

Maybe smooching her a few times while eating was a poor strategy on my end. We kind of re-enacted that scene in Tom and Jerry, when Tom gets peckish after smooching Jerry a couple of times, but in reverse.

She grabbed a ball. (Heh!)

“So, how’s MY falafel?” I said while squinting my eyes at her.

“Hmm, better than I expected,” she replied while grabbing another ball.

I greeted her with a bombastic side-eye.

“What?” She looked at me as if she were completely innocent.

“Nothing. Want some kebab?”

“Haha. Sure.” She hooked one leg over my thigh and went straight for the chicken chops.

She did say she didn’t want any food, but I’m a gracious man. In fact, that’s why I bought a little bit more food than I needed. She doesn’t need to know that, though.

Munching on the food, she looked like a squirrel stuffing nuts in its puffy cheeks. I couldn’t help myself from giving her another smooch right on that fully loaded cheek.

Yeah. I’m a gracious man after all…

Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels, text by author

Some Men Have It Worse

Silly lovebirds banter aside, more and more women overstep their plates lately. And thanks to the internet, their underhanded tactics are now recorded for posterity.

I’ve seen lots of crazy things online. There are many situations in which she says she doesn’t want any food, and her partner buys just enough to get his fill only to realize his girlfriend changed her mind and is starving as soon as she sees the man enjoying HIS food.

Some men begrudgingly give in. Others die on their hill, refusing to share. Let’s just say not every man is as gracious as me.

However, there are some women out there who are really pushing it. While sharing is caring, there are some creatures who don’t want to share food that isn’t even theirs! These women tend to order something different from what their man ordered, take a small bite of both meals, then switch the food if his tastes better.

Why do they do this!?

Well, we asked 100 imaginary women (the only ones who tend to be honest and admit their wrongs), and here are the answers:

1. We spoil them too much. Why wouldn’t she think she’d get away with man’s food when she usually gets away with lots of things?
2. Women love cheap thrills and variety. They get to enjoy two different meals plus annoy their man. A classic case of a 2 for 1 on multiple levels. At our expense…
3. They don’t know what they want, so they let you pick the good stuff for them.
4. Women love to maintain appearances and blame their lack of self-control on their partners. They pretend to be good girls on a diet, wanting nothing but to enjoy their salads or healthy orders, but they have already decided to have a cheat meal under the pretext that your unhealthy order looks so good that you made her try it.

I can already see the women reading this article rolling their eyes and saying, “I’m not that type of girl!” Yeah, right. That’s what they all say.

Stop the cap, ladies… Imaginary or not, we’re onto you. Leave our food alone! Well, not alone… in our tender care. We got it. Or if you want to swap meals, at least have the decency to order something good!

Some of us don’t mind sharing. But at least be reasonable, please!

Capisci?

Grumpy man out…

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